Reconnecting with your Partner after an Affair: What Not to Do!

In the previous article, we looked at some dos and don’ts if you find out your partner to be having an extra-marital affair. In this article, let’s look at “what not to do”, if you decide to give your relationship a second chance and move past the episode of infidelity. Moving on is not as easy as it sounds but it certainly is not impossible. Most importantly, you need to be aware about the reasons for wanting to work on the relationship.

The relationship is likely to survive and trust rebuilt, if you are willing to work on your relationship for the right reasons, which primarily have to be internally located and not so much as fear about the society’s judgment, pressure from parents, etc.

In case of the latter, there is a risk that the efforts to move on will be half-hearted and it will always seem like a raw deal and less of an equal partnership.

So, here are some quick suggestions on what to avoid in the process of reconnecting with your spouse:

• Lack of trust: From both sides of the relationship the point of essential importance is rebuilding the lost trust. While clearly the responsibility of doing so rests more with the partner who cheated, the other partner also has to do their bit in reweaving trust in the relationship. Being more honest with each other on a regular basis, getting more involved in each other’s lives will help in this process.
• Avoid bringing up the past: It is not advisable for either of the partner’s to bring up the past in between arguments or keep questioning about certain loose ends from the time, as it will only lead to discontentment in the relationship and serve as a bottleneck in moving forward.
• Staying in touch with the ex: Even if you are no longer having an affair with a certain someone, it’s extremely essential that no contact is maintained with the ex. Any form of contact can act as a deal-breaker in your relationship with your spouse and can have a negative impact on the overall trust that you are trying to build.
• Engaging in a blame game: When we commit a mistake, most often there is a natural tendency to shirk responsibility for the wrong done. Blaming your spouse or pointing out reasons for why you possibly cheated is not going to help anyone. Instead, it can add fuel to fire. So apologize as much as you need to, address your partner’s worries and help each other in going through this trauma together.
• Carrying on with life as if nothing happened: While you and your partner may want to pretend that nothing ever happened, it may not be advisable to do so. If you plan to give your relationship another chance, it is extremely important that you first address the “elephant in the room”, and talk about or rather vent out your thoughts and feelings associated with it. The partner who cheated needs to acknowledge that it will take a while for their spouse to accept what has happened and in that process of healing the wound, intense emotional expressions will be on display. Brushing the hurt feelings under a carpet will not be helpful and most of all, it will do more damage than good.

Forgiveness goes a long way in ensuring that you and your partner heal from the trauma associated with an extra-marital affair. I hope the above points will guide in moving on in your relationship. Forgive when you are ready but when you do, embrace your relationship.